


Lost and Found

by LuckyDarling



Category: Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Anglst with a happy ending, M/M, insinuation of Steve dealing with depression for a time, it mostly follows the events in the mcu but diverges after the winter soldier
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-29
Updated: 2018-08-29
Packaged: 2019-07-04 02:33:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,243
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15831963
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LuckyDarling/pseuds/LuckyDarling
Summary: Bucky finds some letters addressed to him while he and Steve are unpacking in their new apartment. What he finds worries him.





	Lost and Found

**Author's Note:**

> This was supposed to be longer but I couldn't think of how to extend it. Also I headcanon Steve as Catholic but not like overzealous stereotypical tv stuff where it's like the dominating personality trait. I'm Catholic but I've never really related to the way it's often depicted (it's always been more like only one part that makes me who I am and not the sole defining trait that affects all my views and actions) so I wanted to mention this for Steve since he mentions God in this. Anyway, sorry for the religious stuff, you'll probably never see me mention it like this again since I tend to not like to writing on this topic. This is my first Stucky fic I've posted so I hope you enjoy!
> 
> Edit: Lol, I went back and fixed the asterisks I forgot about.

_Dear Bucky,_

_I miss you. Sometimes I wake up and for half a second I expect to open my eyes and see that shoebox of an apartment we rented together back before the war, back when everything was--well not better but happier if that makes any sense? Things are… different here. Sorry for being such a sap; I guess you want to know what I’m talking about, huh? Well there’s no easy way to put this so I’ll just come out and say it. After you_ ~~ _died_~~ **_left_** _, I had to put the Valkyrie in the water--it was the only way to save everyone. The next thing I know I’m waking up 65 years later with the migraine of the century. It’s only been… what, half a month(?) since I woke up. I just don’t know what to do Buck. Everything is gone and it’s like I’m in one of those pulp novels you used to love so much. Anyway, I guess this is it for now._

_Love,_

_Your pal Steve_

_Dear Bucky,_

_Can you believe the Dodgers moved from Brooklyn? What kind of bullshit is that? I know you’d blow your lid if you heard that. Anyway we battled aliens Buck. It was like in one of those fucking pulp novels you used to love reading so much. God, it was like someone had punched a hole in the sky and they just wouldn’t stop coming. It almost feels like a dream sometimes when I think back on it. I guess I should explain things better so I’m sorry about not doing so. Oh, speaking of gods, apparently the Norse gods are real too. The world is so much bigger than we thought it was and I don’t know what to think anymore. Ma would say to pray for guidance but I known’t know...Do you think that God still exists? I hope he does--I don’t know where else this strength to go on could come from. I hope he does and that you’re sitting up there with him now. I wish you were still here with me._

_Love,_

_Steve_

_Dear Bucky,_

_I joined Shield and moved to the capital.  Peggy helped found the organization to help protect others. That sounds just like her huh? It helps thinking about that and I guess I might as well make myself useful. That’s why God put me on this path right? To help others? Natasha--one of the people who helped me fight the aliens, you’d like her--is trying to help me adjust. She wants to set me up on a date with someone. Says that it might help me to make some connections. The only connection I want is you and Peggy though. More than anyone, I just want you. I guess I can’t exactly tell her that. I should have said something before. Sometimes I dream that it's the two of us back in Brooklyn--no war, no serum, no trains--and we’re happy. Peggy’s always there too and so are the Howlies. Then other times it’s you falling and me putting the plane in the water, waiting to die because no one will find me in time. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t be telling you all this._

_Love,_

_Stevie_

_Dear Bucky,_

_Things have been getting better--or at least on the outside they have. On the inside things just feel so hollow and no matter what I do, I can’t seem to fill the void. I’m trying--I know you’d have a conniption if you saw me like this so I won’t give up. Nat says that the pain gets easier to ignore given enough time and effort but I don’t know about that. For now though, I still miss you. I promise you Bucky, I’ll live for the both of us. I hope that I can be someone you’d still be proud of._

_Love,_

_Stevie_

“Hey Steve? What’s this?” Bucky calls out from the bedroom in a weird tone of voice.

Steve furrowed his brows and set down the plates he’d been unpacking. They’d just moved into their nice apartment in Brooklyn Heights, what could have possibly rattled him? He couldn’t remember ever hearing him sound like that. “Yeah Buck?” Steve couldn’t deny the panic that froze him in the doorway to their new bedroom. In his metal hands, he held a stack of letters and the box in front of him was a small one he’d used for his sketchbooks. He’d thought it was a safe place. “Did you read those?” Steve asked quietly.

Bucky threw him a look of exasperation and disbelief. “Half of these are addressed to me so yeah, I looked at a few. Steve I…”

Steve couldn’t stand the sadness seeping into his expression. He tried not to fidget but he couldn’t look him straight in the eye. “When I first got out of the ice, I was in a pretty rough place. Shield assigned me a therapist even though I hadn’t decided to join them yet. When they finally realized I wasn’t going to spill my guts to some stranger, Dr. Oz suggested writing letters and that afterwards, I could burn them if I’d wanted to.”

“Oh Stevie.” Bucky sighed with so much emotion. Steve could feel a tightness in his throat signaling that if he talked about this too much longer, he might start to cry and he really didn’t want to cry. Out of the the corner of his eye, he could see Bucky setting down the letters and pushing himself up. Bucky enveloped him in a hug so tight, Steve couldn't help but bring his arms up around him in response.

“I’m sorry you had to go through all that alone. I’m sorry you had to feel like that.”

“What are you talking about?” Steve’s voice trembled despite his best efforts not to. His vision blurred with tears and so he buried his face into Bucky’s shoulder. “You went through so much worse than what I did because I didn’t look.”

“It’s not a competition, doll. You were hurting bad and none of us were there anymore.” He pressed a kiss on Steve’s head. “I want you to know that you can talk to me about stuff like that, okay? I’m with you to the end of the line pal. I love you.”

“I love you too.” Steve rubbed his rubbed against Bucky, drying his tears before pulling back to look at him. Steve let out a pitiful chuckle, garnering a soft, tender smile from his best friend. “And I know I can, I just… honestly didn’t think it was important now that I have you and the others. I promise you, I haven’t felt that lost in a while now.”

“Well I’m glad. Some of these letters… god, Steve, you’re a real bleeding heart. I didn’t read the one’s you wrote to Peggy but I figured they’re not too cheery either.”

Steve didn’t respond to that, instead he grabbed his flesh hand and squeezed it. “Enough of the past. C’mon, help me unpack the kitchen stuff, yeah?”

Bucky smiled at him and went along with the conversation change. This conversation wasn’t over by a long shot but now it felt as if they could talk more openly about it. “Of course, but then we’re taking a break.”

Steve conceded. An afternoon cuddling with his lifelong best friend and boyfriend sounded like just what he needed right now.


End file.
